36 Things I've Learned in 36 Years
Full disclosure: I had PLANNED for this journal entry to go live a couple days after my 36th birthday. But then COVID-19 happened and life became a bit of a depressing whirlwind for a while.
By the time I felt like I could actually take a deep breath again, my birthday was a couple of months in the rearview mirror. I wondered if writing this journal entry was even worth it. Or relevant given the current state of our world.
Would my list essentially just be more “noise” for folks whose lives are already noisy and chaotic enough right now?
But today, writing feels good and fun and cathartic for me. And maybe there’s a nugget of wisdom buried somewhere in this list that might strike a chord with you, dear reader.
So here it is — my list of 36 things I’ve learned in 36 years.
#1: Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean you have to do it (or that it will make you happy).
I’m an awesome science instructor. But, for so many reasons, teaching college biology and ecology as a tenured professor (which is what I had planned on doing at one point in time) is just not what I want to do, vocationally speaking.
Which brings me to…
#2: Allow yourself to acknowledge what you’re good at without diminishing it via self-deprecation — both internally and OUT LOUD with other people.
For me, some of those things are: teaching, writing + editing, administrative stuff (which I find oddly satisfying), telling the truth, customer service, baking, and being nurturing and supportive.
#3: Buy a nice mattress. Seriously, your body will thank you.
#4: Cardamom is the secret to out-of-this-world delicious apple pie.
#5: Don’t get so used to how your face looks with make up on that you don’t feel like “you” without it.
I learned this lesson while on a semester abroad in Belize during my junior year of college. Over the years, I had added more and more STUFF to my make up routine — concealer, powder, eye liner + shadow + mascara, two types of blush, and probably more that I’m just forgetting. I began my semester abroad doing my full, 40 minute routine every morning. In a country where most days were 95+ degrees and humid AF.
What. Was. I. Thinking.
When I started eliminating pieces of my elaborate routine, initially it felt really weird. My face looked… wrong to me. But eventually it was just me and my bare skin. And ever since that semester, I’ve been totally comfortable with my face sans make up. Do I like how I look with a little mascara and cheek stain on? Heck yeah! But I also feel like me without it.
#6: Champagne is always appropriate, with or without a special occasion.
#7: Learn to give fewer fucks about what other people think about you and your choices.
This is 100% the key to being so, so, so much happier in your life.
#8: Similarly, stop worrying so much about being “nice.”
A couple of years ago, I realized “nice” doesn’t align with my values or allow me to feel authentic and empowered (read more about that epiphany here). Focusing on being kind, brave, honest, and curious resonates much more with me and gives me the space to show up as my truest, deepest self.
#9: No emotion is “bad” or “wrong” — it’s what you DO with your emotions that matters.
#10: Speaking your truth is hard, but it’s important.
#11: Yes, self-employment taxes are really as bad as people say they are.
EVEN if you’re not actually making “that much” after business expenses and deductions. EVEN if you have a spouse who’s paying more taxes than they should to help make up for a portion of yours.
Don’t get behind the eight ball.
#12: Jojoba oil works on everything.
Cuticles, dull + frizzy hair, dry skin, break outs. It’s the nectar of the gods.
#13: You deserve JOY.
#14: Stop waiting for permission — no one else can really give it to you anyway.
#15: You can try to engineer yourself into someone other people will like, but ultimately, it’s probably not going to work. And if it does, you’re going to feel like shit.
I played this game for a looooooooong time. On the surface, it feels good to have people’s affection, praise, and approval. And other people’s positive responses to your compliance, performance, and achievements might trick you into thinking you need to keep toeing the line in order to “earn” love, connection, and belonging. But you don’t.
You’re worthy NOW. Just as you are.
And “hustling for your worthiness” (as Brené Brown puts it) is only going to leave you feeling like dog shit. Because, as my wise, truth-telling therapist once told me, when people love you only for how well you perform, meet their expectations, or rack up metaphorical trophies to prove your goodness, they’re not really loving YOU anyway. They love the idea of you, a projection, the version of you that you present for them — carefully curated to ensure that they aren’t inconvenienced, made uncomfortable, challenged, disappointed, or forced to experience unpleasant emotions.
Once you can accept that the person they’re loving isn’t really YOU anyway, it gets a tiny bit easier to be the ACTUAL you — and hope that they can learn to love that person too.
#16: No matter how long it takes, you need to learn how to stop thinking of foods as “good” or “bad” and start honoring your body at whatever size and shape it is in the moment.
#17: Water is home.
I will never feel more alive, more free, or more myself than I do when I’m cradled in the big, soft waves of Lake Michigan.
#18: Sometimes the pricey version is worth the extra $$$.
Coffee, yoga mats, athleisure apparel, chocolate, spices, mascara, and probably lots of other stuff too.
#19: The right books can be your friends when you don’t have any.
#20: Lots of people are mean. Lots of people are kind. When people show you who they are, believe them.
#21: Buy yourself fresh flowers.
#22: Be your weird ass self.
It’s really the only way to find your people.
#23: College will teach you HOW to think, not WHAT to think.
I am deeply grateful for my undergrad experience at Calvin College. It was a heart-opening, illusion-shattering, mind-expanding time for me. My professors consistently asked more questions than they answered and challenged me to think in new ways that required more intellectual honesty, rigor, and allowance for complexity than I was accustomed to (special thanks to Dave Warners for serving as a combination midwife + trail guide when I experienced my first existential crisis during my sophomore year).
The most important things I learned in college — critical thinking, clear communication, how to resist the temptation to indulge in false dichotomies, to find Spirit’s presence everywhere — are still with me today.
#24: The music and TV you discovered between the ages of 15 and 25 will always be your favorite.
#25: Aspiring to a small, quiet life is enough.
I used to feel so much urgency surrounding my “purpose” and accomplishments. I felt compelled to prove my life "meant something." Like I had do something weighty and consequential with my time here. Because if I didn't, who was I? Did I even matter?
But the older I get, the more I soften. The more I want things that are simple and sweet and small. To love and to be loved well. To gently share the gifts I have in whatever way I can with whoever crosses my path. To listen. To savor and find joy in this life.
For me, that’s enough. And I think it’s pretty damn beautiful too.
#26: Friends that actually love you and know you and will be your family are a rare and precious thing. Hold them close.
#27: Dogs are love. No explanation needed.
#28: No matter what community you’re a part of, dogma will be present.
It sucks, but — in my experience — it’s true. I was startled and disappointed to recognize several years ago that it wasn’t just the conservative Christian sub-culture I grew up in — it was a significant and unacknowledged part of the yoga and holistic health communities I was part of too.
#29: Unless it’s a wedding or a funeral, just wear what you want.
#30: Even when it’s scary or uncomfortable, you have to be able to advocate for YOURSELF.
Mostly, the thing that taught me this lesson was a chronic medical condition (post-traumatic arthritis in my left ankle — read about the whole saga here if you’re curious). If I hadn’t educated myself on my prognosis and treatment options and then spoken up about the things I’d learned + asked a thousand questions to make sure I had all the info I needed to make good choices for myself, I know I’d have a very different experience with my healthcare providers.
That said, advocating for myself in my business and in my personal relationships has been super important as well.
#31: Your issues will keep coming up (and this doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong).
Here’s the bad news: your issues and trauma are probably going to keep showing up in different ways for your whole life. In my experience, it’s just not a “one and done” sort of thing (as much of a bummer as that is). You don’t suddenly, FINALLY, finish processing the messed up shit that happened to you as a kid (or in an abusive romantic relationship or in a shame-based religious community) and then you’re freeeeeeee and it never comes back up for you ever again.
*** But wouldn’t it be great if that was how it worked? ***
Real personal, psychological, and spiritual growth isn’t linear and doesn’t always feel good or yield instant results. It’s hard. It’s messy. But here’s the good news: the YOU that’s encountering your issues and trauma changes and how you respond to your issues and trauma changes too. Accepting the up-and-down nature of diligent, gentle, loving growth — and realizing that the up-and-down-ness doesn’t mean you’re “doing it wrong” or not making “real” progress — is what allows you to learn, stretch, uncover, heal. And that’s what it’s all about.
#32: Fighting your hair’s natural color or texture will only lead to heartache and the gnashing of teeth. Trust me, I know.
#33: Trees breathe peace and forests are magical.
#34: If you feel like the black sheep of your family, dig a bit deeper. You might be surprised.
I often feel like the odd man out in my family — I’m a little free-spirited, a bit of a rebel, and the biggest risk-taker of the bunch. It can be easy to wonder if I even belong. Learning more about my Great Aunt Sandy’s life over the past 8 months showed me that there is indeed a kindred spirit living in the branches of my family tree. Aunt Sandy is 90 years old, still wears hot pink lipstick and black eyeliner every day, and has one heck of a story — among other things, she…
Traveled out to California solo the summer after she graduated from high school (and worked the night shift as a front desk clerk at a swanky hotel to keep herself flush with cash).
Dated an African exchange student back in the 1950s. And when a white dude told her that if she didn’t stop, she’d never get another date with a white guy at her college, she said, “SEE IF I CARE!”
Hopped on a train to California when my Great Uncle John was dragging his feet about proposing and she decided just to “live her life.” He followed her out there once he found out where she went, proposed, and they got married 3 months later (and were married over 50 years).
Saw a cool ass floral style ruby ring at the jewelry store where she was working during her summer break (she was a teacher) and when my Uncle John wouldn’t buy it for her, she saved up all her paychecks and bought it for her own damn self.
Maybe I’m not such an outlier after all.
#35: You are ethically bound to be a scientifically, politically, socially, and philosophically literate citizen.
#36: I am made of stronger stuff than most people know — I’ll bet this is true of you too.
It took me a while to claim it, but I am a woman with a keen eye, an explorer’s courage, fire in her belly, iron in her bones, and a heart that swells with reverence at the simple sight of the wind blowing through the trees. I am deeper, wider, stronger, and more tenacious than I used to give myself credit for. Everything changed for me when I decided to name myself in this way. Maybe it’s time for you to claim your power too?
So, there you have it — 36 things I’ve learned in my 36 years on this planet.
I hope SOMETHING here resonated with you, inspired you, made you curious, entertained you, or brought a smile to your face in these wild times.
And now — while the sun is shining and the birds are twittering and the flowers are beginning to bloom — I’m going to go sit on my patio with my pups and read. May you find your own patch of sunshine too, whether literal or figurative, and may it bring you all the solace you need for today.