UnMother's Day
Motherhood should be something you choose.
Not something that happens to you because you were assaulted or your birth control failed or things got hot + heavy and you were both too caught up in the moment to remember to pause and grab a condom.
Since the Dobbs decision was announced on 6/24/2022 in the US, pregnancy and motherhood have become something that can be chosen for you, depending on which state you live in. If you’ve got a reproductive system capable of conception, in lots of places, your reproductive choices are no longer your own. As of this writing, you have significantly less liberty than your mother and grandmother did.
In the days and weeks after dobbs, I was consumed by despair, rage, fear, and a feeling of profound powerlessness.
In 2021, after years of “maybe, but definitely not now,” my husband and I had decided that we didn’t want kids of our own.
We have a niece and nephew that we adore and my best friend has three kiddos that I’ve loved fiercely since the day they were born. Being a big part of those kids’ lives is exactly what we want for ourselves. When it comes to having our own children, our fur babies Maverick and Banjo are more than enough for us.
For well over a year, the plan was to wait until my IUD “expired” at which point Austin would go get “the snip.” But once SCOTUS released the Dobbs decision, I knew that was no longer an option — the only way I would feel safe was if I was the one to get sterilized.
So I called the Women’s+ Health Collective and made an appointment to get my tubes out.
A few weeks later, I spoke with their gynecological surgeon Dr. Michele and told her that I didn’t want kids and anxiously explained why my IUD no longer felt like enough protection for me. That when Roe fell, something inside me shattered. That I needed to be the only one in control of not just my fertility but my body, my life, and my hopes + dreams.
Dr. Michele was kind and empathetic and professional. There weren’t any questions about how my husband felt about my decision. No attempts to try to convince me to hold off and spend a bit more time “thinking things over.” She said that post-Dobbs, lots of patients had been coming in requesting long-term methods of birth control like IUDs and permanent solutions like the bilateral salpingectomy (doctor-speak for removal of both fallopian tubes) I was seeking.
We scheduled the procedure for early October 2022 — just a few days after Austin and my fifth wedding anniversary. I’d need general anesthesia but the procedure would be outpatient. Dr. Michele told me to plan for a week or so out of the office to recover.
When I woke up from anesthesia, Austin asked me how I was feeling. According to him, I said…
Grateful, peaceful, and empowered.
I love that that’s how I felt. I love that I was able to access the reproductive healthcare I needed. I love that my decisions weren’t questioned. I love that I was able to choose what was right for me, what I wanted for myself.
I love that my husband and my people supported me and took great care of me while I was healing. I love that I no longer have to worry about the possibility of being forced to carry a pregnancy to term.
But I hate that it took a major abdominal surgery (with all the risks and potential complications that go along with it) in order for me to feel free again.
You shouldn’t have to permanently alter your body in order to feel safe. Your bodily autonomy shouldn’t hinge on having a sympathetic, progressive doctor. Your right to choose whether to stay pregnant shouldn’t change based on your geographic location.
And you shouldn’t need the enormous privilege that allows you to travel for abortion care or manage the medical bills + unpaid time off that accompany sterilization in order to know that you’ll never be forced into being a mother when that’s not something that you want for yourself.
If reproductive justice is important to you and you feel like you need to DO SOMETHING (other than get sterilized, haha), a few places to consider taking action…
(1) Donate to organizations working to safeguard abortion access and advocate for reproductive freedom. The National Network of Abortion Funds and the Planned Parenthood Action Fund are two great examples.
(2) Use your voice — call your reps in the federal government so they know that this issue is important to you. Protest and demonstrate when you have the opportunity to do so safely.
(3) VOTE. The only reason that we have the right to control our own bodies here in Michigan is because of a successful citizen-led ballot initiative that enshrined reproductive freedom in our state constitution after the November 2022 election. But none of us are free until all of us are free, so let’s keep fighting, y’all.
And no matter how you choose to engage, remember: